*WARNING: Rated R language in this post*
I know I haven't blogged in a little while, and I apologize for that. I just haven't really felt like I had anything worth reading to say, so I just figured why bother? Yeah, I guess you could say I've been depressed. Still am, I guess. Why, do you ask? Well, to be honest I'm not 100% sure. Just little things adding up into one big thing. There are days that I'm perfectly fine and everything's going great, and then the next day I just feel like crying my eyes out all day long, and not talking to or seeing anyone. On those days, I don't even feel like crawling out of bed, but I do...only to veg on the couch, watching shows on Netflix all day. I'm really not quite sure why I've been feeling like this. Maybe my hormones are still messed up because I'm still on painkillers (a lower dose now). Maybe I'm just in a "I don't give a flying fuck" attitude. I even find it hard to be happy for my family or friends when something good happens to them, so I just paste a smile on my face & nod & say "that's good" when they tell me about things that are happening to them, when all I really want to do is shout "WHAT ABOUT ME!? DO YOU REALLY CARE WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME!? WHY CAN'T THINGS GO MY WAY FOR ONCE!?" But, I don't. Because I'm a "good friend." Although, I'm probably going to get called out once they read this. Whatever. I really don't care right now if I piss someone off. I'm tired of holding it all in day after day after day, with noone to talk to about how I'm truly feeling or a way to let out my frustrations. I'm tired of being the "shoulder to lean on." I NEED THAT SHOULDER FOR ONCE IN MY FUCKING LIFETIME! I want someone to sit down and listen to me, without interrupting me and trying to interject with the "well when that happened to me..." shit. JUST FUCKING LISTEN!!!!!!! I want to be the one people are inviting to join them at lunch/dinner or just to hang out, instead of me practically begging someone to come visit me. I really shouldn't have to ask, you know? If you're truly my friend and you truly want to see me, you will call me up and say "hey, I'm nearby, wanna hang?" I may not always say yes, but it would be nice to get a phone call or text like that every once in a while! I don't know...maybe I'm just being selfish. But you know what? I don't care...I WANT TO BE SELFISH FOR ONCE.