Thursday, March 29, 2012


Loneliness can be such a powerful word and feeling. For me, it's how I've been feeling the last few days. My mind has been in utter chaos & I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I guess putting it up here on my blog is my only option right now. Where to start? 

#1-Schooling. I have decided not to go to Heritage College. After researching some more, I found out that even if I do graduate with an Associates Degree in X-ray Medical Tech/Medical Assistant, I am basically stuck there. Why? Because HC doesn't transfer your credits. Yup, you read that right. It doesn't transfer credits to other schools, because Heritage is a TRADE school. So, if I were to want to continue my education later on, I would have to basically start all over & have wasted $20,000. So for now, I'm focusing on my job as a CNA, & will hopefully continue my education a little later down the line.

#2-Family. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but some days I feel like I'm not really a part of one. Granted, my entire family is spread out throughout the United States & I don't see them very often...well, actually, I never see them, except for my mother, whom I see for about an hour here or there when she is driving through Kansas on her way to another place. Granted, I am friends with a few family members on Facebook, which helps me keep in touch with them that way (my mom included), but the one that hurts the most is my younger brother, Jason. A year or so ago, we got into a really stupid argument over something he THOUGHT I'd done, and he basically said I'm done with you. He unfriended me & blocked me from his Facebook page & at some point his phone number changed & I was not given the new one. The only way I can keep up with him is if I ask my mom how he's doing, and even then I get the "well, you know Jason" speech. It hurts. It really does. My own blood brother (he & I were adopted into the family when we were younger) won't even speak to me. I've tried emailing him, but I don't get a response, and I know he has access to a computer. Hell, he has access to a phone! He could call me if he wanted too, but obviously he doesn't. I don't know what else I can do. I guess just stop trying, but I don't want to lose him permanently, as I have no other blood siblings that I'm in contact with (I believe I have an older sister still living in Alaska, but I'm not 100% sure of that). Yes, I have an older adoptive brother & sister, but they have their own lives (they are 40 & 45 respectively), & the only way I know what's going on with them is through their spouses' Facebook pages, as they don't actually have any, or if I ask my mom in passing conversation. Yeah, that's pretty sad, huh? Some family. Oh, don't get me started on my husband's family. That's a whole 'nother rabbit hole we don't want to go down (let's just say he doesn't get along with them well either).

#3-Friends. Don't get me wrong, blogosphere. I have friends. A lot actually. I just don't get to see them. Even my closest ones I hardly ever get to see. You see, I live in Wichita, and most of my friends reside in Newton, where I used to live (my husband is from that town), and a lot of them don't have the money to travel the 30 some miles to come see me. That goes for me as well. I'm lucky if I get to Newton once a month, and that's usually when I have to make a payment for the truck in person at the bank & just happen to stop by their houses, if I have time. Granted, yes, a lot of them have families & jobs, and can't just drop everything to spend time with me. I'm not asking that, really. I'm just asking that maybe, if they wanted to see me, get a hold of me, and we can work out a day to spend some time together. Hell, I'd even pay for them to come see me in Wichita, if I had too! I just read their Facebook statuses (wow, that site is very popular in my life-lol) about how they spent the day with so & so (other friends of mine), and I wish that I could do that still. The last time I got to do anything extremely fun with a friend of mine for more than an hour was when my friend, Jessica, came up to Wichita, and spent the weekend at my place and we went to various places & went and saw "Breaking Dawn: Part One" back in November of last year. Yes, I did go see another movie with a friend of mine just recently, but that was it. That was all we did. Go see the movie. Don't get me wrong. It was fun, and I invited her to go, but you don't really get to talk or hang out when you're in a movie theater. Plus, she had some personal issues going on that she was worried about, and I felt bad about pulling her away from them. I love my friends. All of them. I just really wish I could see them more often & actually spend a day with them, doing fun stuff. I just get so lonely & depressed sitting in my apartment, doing nothing, especially on my days off.

#4-Kansas/Nebraska. I have lived in Kansas for 10 years now, and have left the state (on vacation) probably about 3 times in those 10 years. The longest was for 5 days, and I went down to Texas to visit my mom, where she had to work 3 of the days. I am SO ready to get out of Kansas for a while, that I am chomping at the bit for ANY reason to leave! Don't get me wrong. Kansas is a nice place to live...if you've been born & raised here, like my husband, who does NOT plan on moving any time soon. But for a girl from Nebraska, that still dreams of those cornfields (hush, y'all!), I NEED TO GET OUT!!!!! Every year for the last 5 years, my husband and I have said that we will go to my hometown of Wilber, Nebraska for the annual Czech Days festival that happens the first weekend of August...and for the last 5 years, something has always come up that keeps us from going. Now that may not sound like much fun to someone that hasn't been, but y'all have to realize that during those 3 days, my hometown becomes the second largest city in Nebraska (from all the tourists/visitors) and just about everyone from my high school class returns and get to see each other. I'm always looking at their pictures of the festivities (once again on Facebook-lol) & wishing I'd been able to go. It also really hurts when my BFF, Cheryl, asks why I wasn't able to come & how much she misses me & wanted to see me. So again, we are planning on attending this year, and come hell or high water, I WILL GO. I don't care if I have to hitch hike my way there, I will attend Czech Days this year! Plus, I want to drive through Lincoln again and see all the sights I remember from when I lived in Nebraska when I was younger. It also doesn't hurt that I'll be back in Huskers country again. ;-) Hehe! Seriously though, Kansas is nice, but I want to go back home, even if it's just for a few days.

#5-Starting a family. So, I'm going to be 33 years old this year, and I have yet to have a child. Most people my age, that I know, have at least one or two by now, if not more! I begin to ask myself, what's wrong with me? Why haven't I been blessed with the joy/love of a little baby? It's not like my husband and I haven't tried over the last couple of years, but we just haven't had the luck. It's starting to get annoying when people ask us "when are you having little ones?" I've just started saying "it'll happen when it happens" because I don't want to go into any more of an explanation. There are a few things that we haven't tried yet, and I am going to talk to my Doctor about them soon, but I just hope & pray in the meantime that the good Lord will bless us soon, especially now that my schooling prospects have been put on the back burner (for now).

Well, I think that's about all I have to say for now. I feel a little better getting some of that out, and hopefully things will start to get better soon. I hope you all are doing well, and I'll post again soon. Until next time, take care & stay safe!

Later gators,


Friday, March 9, 2012

Silently screaming in my head...

Well, I couldn't sleep tonight (again), so I thought I'd start looking at the spring/summer clothes coming out in stores about now & OMG, I just started screaming in my head. And it wasn't a good scream. It was a "OMG, I'M NEVER GONNA LOOK GOOD IN SOMETHING LIKE THAT!" type of scream. Yeah, as you can tell, I don't do well in summertime. Especially with being a plus size woman. I swear to god, the fashion makers make the UGLIEST clothes for plus size women. I don't know if it's because the ugly patterns are the only ones they can get enough material of, or what, but I hate about 95% of what I see! I was hoping by this summer I'd be out of plus size clothing, but it's definitely not looking that way. Guess I'll be looking in the men's sections of stores to see what kind of t-shirts they have, as I know I won't be able to find anything cute (and cheap) in the plus size women's section-and I'm talking like 2x-3x sizes. I have been pretty well endowed by mother nature & lemme tell you, it isn't easy finding shirts that fit well over my girls! LOL! I'm also dreading buying a swimsuit (which I need to buy). I haven't worn, let alone OWNED, a swimsuit in probably 15 years. The ones I've seen online are cute, but they are freaking expensive! Even the ones at Walmart! I don't know what I'm going to do. I just get so depressed & down looking at clothes, knowing I need new ones for the summer time (all my shorts are cut offs from old jeans that were worn out) so I don't completely die in what I'm sure is going to be a very hot summer (again-seriously, last summer, we had around 51-52 days of 100 degrees or more, and that doesn't count the humidity that came with 'em!) Even if I start working out now-um, yeah, I've put that off WAY too long-there is no way I'll be out of the plus sizes in a month or two. Trust me, I know my body & I know how it works when it comes to losing weight and it'll probably take me ALL summer just to lose the initial 30 lbs I want to lose! Ugh, it just seriously sucks, y'all. Even though I haven't bought anything yet, I am seriously starting to dread the prospect of wonder I'm such a homebody in the summertime... *shakes head & sighs*