Sunday, May 15, 2011

Thinking & Homesick

So, I've been thinking a lot lately...about a lot of stuff. So many thoughts crammed into my poor brain that some days I just don't know how I function. I don't even really know where to start. Along with my thoughts, lately I've been feeling very homesick...for Nebraska. For those that don't know me all that well, I was raised in Nebraska from the time I was almost 9 years old, and I lived there for 11 years before I finally moved away. However, I haven't been back to Nebraska in probably 5 or 6 years. And I'm craving it. Just the other night, I dreamt about life there. I dreamt about walking down the Haymarket district in Lincoln and listening to all the wonderful sounds I remember coming from there many, many years ago (I don't know if it's still the same, but I'm hoping so). I dreamt about seeing all the red & white during Husker football season, and lord knows, living in Kansas, I totally miss that!!! I dreamt about walking throughout my old neighboorhood, how my aunt & uncle lived just handful of blocks away, how the old elementary school was only about 2 blocks away, and how I'd pass by it when I was out for a walk (I can't believe they tore it down). I could still vividly smell the wonderful smells of that lil town I grew up in too. How every year, for 3 days outta the year (in August), the town would smell of sauerkraut & kolaches, thanks to the great Czech Days festival, which I miss being able to go to. I haven't been to one since I moved away, and that was all the way back in 2000, so yeah, it's been a while! I remember the smells of the barbeques that would happen throughout the neighborhood when it was nice out. I remember & miss laying on a thick, soft mound of grass in my yard, watching the clouds float lazily across the summer sky. I remember & miss sitting out on our front porch on the porch swing on a nice warm night, listening to the crickets & other bugs chirp the night away, & the lightning bugs that my brother & I used to run around the yard chasing. I just plain miss HOME. Like they say, there's no place like Nebraska, and for someone that hasn't lived there in years and is yearning to go back, that saying is 100% true!!!!

I've also been thinking about different my life could've been...I guess you could say I've been having the "what ifs" syndrome. What if I had finished college? What if I had married my high school boyfriend? What if I hadn't moved? What would my life have been like? I definitely know that I wouldn't know all these wonderful friends that I have come to know & love dearly here in Kansas, but I also feel estranged from my friends & family in Nebraska. To be honest, I don't feel like I'm part of the family when it comes to them. I never hear about what's going on with them, as my mom doesn't talk about them (granted she lives in Texas now, but I know she still talks to my family members), and I feel like if I were to go back, I wouldn't be treated as if I was family. I don't know. Maybe it's just my paranoia running rampant, but that's how I feel. Like an outsider looking in. I wonder what would've happened if I hadn't moved away. Would I still be close/semi-close with my family in Nebraska? Or would things be the way they are now? What if I had finished college & gotten that nursing degree I always talked about getting? Would people look at me and say that I had done something with my life & were proud of my accomplishments? Would I have a family & home of my own (as in having children)? What would've happened in my life if I had done things differently? I think about that every day. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my husband more than life itself & can't imagine my life without him, but there's still that little voice in the back of my head saying "what if?" I don't know if other people have felt this way (I'm sure they have) and I'm not going to act on an impulse & just pack up & move, but I do feel this way at times. Especially on my bad days. I think about what could've possibly been, and sometimes I get lost in those thoughts. I don't know...maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself & wishing things had turned out differently or maybe it's the fact that I'm in my 30's now & feel like I haven't accomplished much in my life. Yes, I have plans on taking a CNA class & getting my foot in the door there (if only they handn't postponed the darn thing! lol), but what then? What happens after that? I know, I know. Just take it one step at a time, right? For those that know me, you should know I never take things one step at a time. LOL! Maybe that's my problem. I need to slow down & actually think out & plan what I'm going to do...yeah, maybe I'll do that...

Well, those are my thoughts for now. Yes, I have more & will have more to come, but I think for now, that is good. I'll catch y'all again soon. Take care & stay safe. :)

Later gators!