Friday, June 29, 2012


Even though I didn't write the following (I found it on another site), this still says how I'm feeling right now...maybe one day, someone will actually listen & care...until that day, well, ya, here ya go...
I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling empty inside. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of feeling stuck. I'm tired of feeling crazy. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of yelling. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of dreaming of a life I will never have. I'm tired of missing things. I'm tired of missing people. I'm tired of remembering. I'm tired of wishing I could start all over. I'm tired of not being able to just let go. I'm tired of faking it. I'm tired of being different. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of needing help. I'm tired of always wondering when God is finally going to let me be happy. Most of all, I'm just I'm tired of being tired.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Everything happens for a reason...

Everything happens for a reason. That's what everyone says anyway. Now I believe it to be true. Last Wednesday, I was let go from my job as a CNA @ the health care center I was working at for 5 months. They spouted a bunch of b.s. towards me, but ultimately said it came down to my absences. Um, I'm sorry if I've had health issues that I was trying to get taken care of, and I'm sorry that I was CONTAGIOUS and my doctor thought I shouldn't be around ELDERLY people that are very susceptible to illnesses! Whatever. I'm over it. Onto newer, greener pastures, right? :) So I came home from the facility that day & immediately started filling out job applications at other places. Well, the next day, I got a call back from one of the places, a home health services company. I went in the following day (Friday) & filled out an application & some more paperwork, and then waited to hear back. I knew I probably wouldn't hear anything until Monday, as it was the weekend, and they had to do some background checks & whatnot. Well, I got the call I was waiting for yesterday. I went to orientation today, and actually have a home visit tomorrow! Granted, it's only 2 hours, but I also have a recurring visit for another client Mon-Thurs, at, of all places, my last employer. LOL! They can't say anything though, because I technically don't work for them. I'm just visiting my client, who happens to be staying at their facility right now. The shift is 6 hours long, which isn't too bad, and I'll only have to deal with this one client, so it'll be a nice "breather" for me. I'm so used to working with multiple residents at one time, to be able to do one on one work will be a nice break. It also still gives me the opportunity to go back to school this Fall, and I may even be able to get a little bit more financial aide toward it, as my work hours were severely cut (I was working 40 hours/wk, I'll now be at 24/wk, with the opportunity to pick up more shifts). I don't know yet. I guess we'll find out soon. This is definitely going to be a new experience for me, but I think it'll be a good one.

Other than that, not a whole lot has happened. I did however, get diagnosed with a bulging disc in my back, which explains a lot of the pain I've had in my lower back & left leg over the last few months. I'm going to be getting a type of steroid shot to help with the inflammation & the pain, starting soon, so hopefully that'll alleviate the problems I've had. I just hope that the shots will help, & that I don't eventually have to have surgery, because I've known people that've had the same problem & have ended up getting surgery, as their discs had slipped or have actually broken...wait, can that happen? Yeah, I think it can. Either way, I don't want surgery! LOL. I'm just going to have to be careful with what I do, but hopefully getting back into the gym will alleviate one of the aggravating issues, one of which is my weight. I have struggled for so many years with my weight, and am at the heaviest I have ever been. Every day I look in the mirror & just see what's wrong with my body, instead of what's right, or what it could be, and I'm tired of feeling like a fat loser all the time. So, I've decided that starting next week, NO MATTER WHAT, I am going to get back in the gym. I know I've said this before, but this time, I am going to have my husband drag my ass out of bed if he has too, so I can join him at the gym when he goes. LOL! The few times that I did go over the last few months, I did feel pretty good afterward (and during my workout), so I hope to be able to have that feeling every day...or at least 5 times a week. LOL! I also look forward to being able to wear shorts & tank tops w/o my fat thighs or arms rubbing together...yeah, great image, huh? Oh well. One small step is all it takes...and that first step for me was chopping my hair off. LOL! Yeah, I went and got a haircut yesterday & cut a good 6 inches off my hair. It's not too short (about shoulder length & choppy layers), but my head feels SO much lighter now, and even though I can't pull it back into a ponytail anymore & wear my visor all the time, I still love my new haircut & style. It's very freeing! Hehe! :)

Well, I think I'm going to end this here, but I hope this entry finds you all well & having a great summer! Try to keep cool in this darn heat! Until next time, take care & stay safe! :)

Later gators!


Saturday, June 9, 2012

Wildlife Adventures

Petting the kangaroo. It was so soft!

Riding the camel! :)

The lemur had just finished eating a berry from my hand!
Today, my wonderful husband, surprised me with a trip to Tanganyika Wildlife Park in Goddard, KS. Tanganyika is basically a wildlife refuge for endangered species & a family friendly park where you can walk amongst the animals in their habitats. Kind of like a scaled down zoo, but better :) Don't get me wrong, the zoo is fun too, but you can't walk amongst kangaroos or tortoises or feed ring tailed lemurs at a zoo! :) Today was such an awesome day! We started out by the nursery, where they had a few babies available to look at, and then visiting the giraffe enclosure, where we got to feed a lovely giraffe, who was very eager for the lettuce we gave it :) As we continued around the park, we got to feed lorikeets (a type of bird who seemed to really enjoy landing on my husband-lol), pet red kangaroos, feed & pet bunnies & tortoises, visit lots of different animals, and I even got to ride a camel! That was definitely different! Those animals are NOT very comfortable. LOL! We ended our day at the ring tailed lemur enclosure, where we got to go in, sit down, & let one eat a berry from our hands! It was so cute & we even got a professional photo of the opportunity! I had a blast, and a nice sunburn on my arms to remember the day by! LOL! :) We went to lunch after at a nice little Italian eatery & then came back to the apartment, where I'm planning on spending the rest of the day/evening. The hubby decided to go to the casino with one of his friends, so I get the place to myself, which will be nice, as I can watch whatever I want to on Netflix without him saying anything. Haha! :) Today was definitely a great day & a great way to spend my weekend off. Gotta love surprises! :) Until next time all...take care & stay safe!

Later gators!


Feeding the giraffe

Sunday, June 3, 2012

I never believed in miracles...

I've always believed in fate, but never least, I could say that up to about 3 weeks ago. Then, something wonderful happened that changed my mind forever.

You see, back when I was 3 years old, I was adopted into a wonderful, loving family. However, I didn't know I had been adopted until I was about 13 years old-that's when my mother told me that my younger brother & I. It definitely explained a lot (like why I didn't look anything like my older brother & sister), but I didn't think too much about it, as I was in a safe, happy, loving home. However, when I was 19 years old, I found out something else. I had another sibling out there. A sister, actually. That was when things started to turn around in my head. Don't get me wrong, I still loved my adoptive family IMMENSLY, but I began to wonder about things. What was my sister like, what she sounded like, what she looked like, etc. I also began to wonder about my birth parents and what happened with them. I guess I could've asked my Mom about it, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings & make her think I was unhappy. So, for the next 10 years, I just silently wondered & ached to find my birth family. Yes, life went on. I met my husband, got married, etc etc etc. One day, in 2010, something just made me go to a website called and put a profile up on the site. I thought "What the hell? What could it hurt?" Well, sadly, it hurt me. Because for the next 2 years, NOTHING. I didn't get any kind of response. I did eventually forget that I had even put a profile up on that website, and went on my life. Then, about 3 weeks ago, while I was on my lunch break at work, I checked my phone and saw that I had a voicemail. So, I went ahead and played it. What I heard on that message changed my life forever...

The voicemail was from a girl named Jessica (not my friend Jessica. LOL). She said that she had seen my profile on and wanted to speak with me. She said that she had sent me an email in response to my profile & hoped that I would get back to her soon. Well, of course it was around 9:00pm at that time, and I couldn't call her back that late. I didn't even really think anything of the voicemail until a few minutes AFTER I had hung up the phone. Then it hit me. HOLY CRAP!! Could that have been my SISTER's voice I just heard!? Oh let me tell you, I could NOT wait to get home & check my email. I would've checked it on my phone, if it hadn't been for the fact my supper break was over, and I had to get back to work. Of course, the rest of the night, I had "was that my sister?" running through my head. Even my co-workers noticed I was a little more quiet than normal & I told them that I may have just heard my sister's voice for the first time in my life (at least what life I could remember). Then of course, I had to tell them the story of how I came to be with my adoptive family, which I actually didn't know a whole lot about, just that there was something to do with possible drug/alcohol abuse (which I came to find out later wasn't true). Anyway, once I got home that night, and after playing the voicemail for my husband, I immediately hopped online & checked my email account. Sadly though, I did not have an email in my Inbox from Jessica OR Of course that completely burst my bubble, and I thought, well maybe it was a joke or something. I don't know why I thought that-I think my brain was trying to come up with some kind of explanation since I had my hopes set so high. So, after coming down from that high, I went on with my nightly ritual of hopping on Facebook & doing some stuff on there. I got off of Facebook around 2am, and was about to get offline, when something told me to check my Junk box in my email. I log back into my email & go check the junk mail box, and what do I find there? OMG, it's the email I've been looking for!!!!! I was soooo happy to see it, but was shaking like a leaf when I moved it to my Inbox & opened it up. Sure enough, this email from Jessica was what I had been waiting for. She told me so much stuff about myself (that I never told anyone) and she told me my birth parents' names that I had to believe her. Of course, I was still in shock & awe, that I pulled my husband OUT OF BED at 2am to come read this email & tell me I wasn't dreaming. LOL! After getting his assurance that it was all real, I wrote Jessica back. Of course, that first email was mainly a rambling email, as I didn't quite know what to say to her. So about 2:30-2:45am, I finish up my reply email & hit send. Now it's in her hands.

It took a week before I heard ANYTHING, and let me tell you, that was one of the LONGEST weeks of my life! I actually ended up having to call & leave her a voicemail before I got any kind of reply from her, which came in the form of a phone call :) It turns out she had been busy with work & school, and hadn't been online to check her mail, that's why I hadn't heard from her. I ended up talking to Jessica for FIVE (5) hours that day. I learned that not only do I have her for a sister, and my younger brother, but I also have 2 older brothers! :) When I heard that, I actually began to cry a little bit. I don't know why. Probably the shock of it all, or just knowing that I had more siblings out there...I don't know...wait, yes I do. I was just happy. Plain and simple. I was finally PURELY happy. She also began to tell me more about my birth parents, and sadly, I learned that my birth father passed away from a heart attack when I was about 13 years old, BUT my birth mother was still alive & doing okay. She is also still living in Alaska, so that's awesome (if y'all knew me, you'd understand why I love Alaska so much). I also learned that the reason I was put into foster care wasn't because of drugs & alcohol, but a bad bad divorce that my parents were going through, and CPS felt that I'd be safer out of the house. I also learned that my baby brother wasn't put into the same foster family as me-he had been with a different family in the beginning, but when he was about 6 months old, that family moved away, so he was moved into my foster family's home with me, and let me tell you, I'm so happy he was. Just knowing that we could've possibly been separated from each other for our ENTIRE lives, is not something I think I could've handled. It's bad enough that I haven't seen him in person since he graduated high school, and that was almost 12 years ago (yeah, I'm bad about getting to visit family). Besides, we have that brother-sister-love-hate relationship, so um, yeah. LOL.

Anyway, after talking with my sister that day, my life hasn't changed TOO much. Just that I told my Mom that my birth sister had contacted me & that I wanted to have a relationship with her, and that I still loved her & my family like crazy, and she totally understood. :) I've also started talking to my little brother again. I just hate that it took our biological sister finding us for him to come to the realization that we are family. Oh well. Whatever works, huh? LOL. I have also had a couple of email conversations with my birth mother, and came to find out from her, that we were put into foster care, because of her severe post partum depression (which hadn't been diagnosed at that time) & that CPS didn't feel like she could take care of us, and that she was basically "bullied" into giving up her parental rights to us. I felt so bad when I heard that, but I assured her that I have NEVER held it against her that we were taken out of the home, because I had a good childhood & a good education, and was well taken care of. She was really happy to hear that. I plan on calling her on the phone when she gets settled into her new apartment later this month, so hopefully that conversation will go as well as the emails have :) I also still talk to/text my sister about every other day, and hopefully one day we will meet in person...oh, did I mention she lives in Miami, Florida? Yup, right near Southbeach even! Hehe! :) I've also gotten old pictures of us when we were growing up (the families had been keeping in touch until I was about 9 years old & my mom got remarried), and I finally have a couple of baby pictures of myself, and I must admit, I was a cute ass baby! LOL! I think I may even post that picture with this blog! :) I'm just so so so happy that I'm finally learning about my birth family & my heritage, and I am happy that I have been able to share this with you all. Hopefully as the time goes on, I'll have even more that I can share! :)

Well, it is getting late, and this entry is pretty long already, so I think I'm going to end this here & go lay in the bed & listen to the rain that just showed up a little bit ago! :) I hope this blog entry finds you all well, and I'll post again soon. Until next time, take care & stay safe!

Later gators! :)

Baby me! :)