Rampant thoughts (part 2)

I was sitting on the couch the other day, watching Dirty Jobs, and it was an episode where Mike is in Texas working on putting up a billboard & at one point in the show, a thunderstorm rolls through (with lightning) and I found my mind drifting to memories of past Springs/Summers and all the thunderstorms I've been through. Anyone that knows me knows that I absolutely LOVE thunderstorms. There's just something about the sounds & sights of a thunderstorm that is so soothing to me. I really love it when there's a lot of lightning & rain with the storms. I love the smell of rain, so when a thunderstorm hits, I like to open up my windows and let that smell & sound just envelop me...at least until the wind gets too bad & starts sending the rain IN my windows. Lol! I always seem to get inspiration to write (stories & whatnot) when there's a thunderstorm around. It's just really relaxing to me, which I guess is kind of an oxymoron, as most people I've met seem to freak when there's storms abound, especially living in the Midwest. I understand if there's tornadoes that come with the storms, but if it's just wind, rain, thunder, and lightning (or any combo of those), then chill out people! It's just Mother Nature's way of refreshing her Earth, and I love it. We had some good storms last Spring/Summer, but not too much rain (or even snow this Winter), so I'm really hoping that we'll have some REALLY good storms this year with LOTS of rain. I truly miss it and am looking forward to the first thunderstorm of the season, and it's not even February yet, so I have a little while to wait. Today also started out quite cool, gray & overcast with some sprinkles, so that really got my mind thinking about the thunderstorms to come and man oh man, I really just can't wait! :) Oh well, at least I have my memories to keep me company in the meantime, and some videos on YouTube that will quell my thirst until we have one! I'm even going to add a video to this post, so you all can enjoy the sounds of a good thunderstorm! :) Enjoy! Until next time, take care & stay safe!

Later gators,

*Jolene*

Rampant thoughts (part 1)

So I've had a lot of thoughts running through my mind lately & I just thought I'd get some of them out. One is this: I have a lot of friends that grew up on farms or ranches. These men & women are wonderful people and you can tell they grew up well taken care of & with hard work instilled in them. I actually went to high school in a "farming community" and most of my classmates were farm children. They were those that got up early in the mornings, did their chores on the farm, got ready for school, went to school, and after school, if they weren't in some kind of group, sports, or activity (i.e.-FBLA, FFA, student government, etc), they would go home, do some more chores, have a good family dinner, study/do homework and do it all over again the next day. They were very hard working individuals and honestly, I envied them sometimes. I did not grow up on a farm or ranch, and even though I was in 4-H and FBLA, I didn't have the same kind of childhood as they did. They worked very hard for what they wanted and were rewarded for their efforts. Most of them had their first jobs by the time they were 16 (or earlier), worked most days after school/sports practice and were able to pay for their own cars & whatnot. I, on the other hand, spent my days after school at home, doing my homework & then my regular chores (laundry, cleaning bathroom, sweeping/washing floors, etc) & then you'd find me either in my room with a good book or sitting in a recliner watching TV. If I was lucky, I'd be at a friends' home or my boyfriends' home, but still not doing much. I wanted to get a job, but was told by my parents that I didn't need a job or a car (as you could walk anywhere in town in about 10 minutes). I was so jealous when I'd see my classmates showing up in their cars at school or showing off something they'd just recently purchased (clothing, jewelry, etc) and I'd silently curse my parents for not allowing me to get a job. Oh sure, I got paid weekly for my chores, but it was probably only about $20 if I was lucky (if I'd been smart, I would've saved up my money instead of spending it on stupid stuff).

But, I'm digressing. As I was saying, my friends (then & now) that grew up on farms or ranches are quite hardworking people and I kind of envy their tenacity. I wonder if I had grown up like them, would I be different as the adult I now am? A lot of them have their own homes and families. They have worked extremely hard for what they now have, and I am proud of them, but I also feel a bit envious. Now, don't get me wrong. I do have a good work ethic & work as hard as I can for what I have now, but I have to wonder if I could've possibly had more? If I'd grown up on a farm/ranch would I be used to getting up early in the morning & going full fledged from the moment I awake to the moment I go to sleep? Would I be a farmer/rancher today, or would I have married one? Would I have my own home somewhere with a few acres surrounding it, with horses, cattle, pigs, etc running around? Would I have had a few little munchkins by now? What would my life had been like had I grown up a country girl, instead of a "townie?" Now, don't get me wrong. I love my family & my husband. I couldn't imagine not having him around. But, I wish some things were different. At the age I am (33), I'm completely over-ready for an actual house of our own (not something we rent/lease) with a nice big backyard for Panzer to run around in & any other mutt we may get. I like the apartment we are in right now, but I can't decorate it how I want, and I'm honestly tired of my neighbors. I'm tired of the doors slamming, people running up & down stairs when they don't need too, & freaking music being blared until 2am (but I guess that's what you get when you live around teenagers or people in their early 20's). I'm ready to have a steady career (CNA work is still going ok, but getting very tiring) instead of just a paycheck, and I'm ready to have a baby (or 2) of my own. I'm just plain ready to be that woman I thought I'd be by now, and I have to wonder if I'd grown up differently, would I be there already? Oh well. Guess I'll never know. Guess I'll just keep on forging ahead & hopefully my dreams will all come true one day soon...

*Jolene*

I don't care...

*WARNING: Rated R language in this post*

Hello blogosphere.

I know I haven't blogged in a little while, and I apologize for that. I just haven't really felt like I had anything worth reading to say, so I just figured why bother? Yeah, I guess you could say I've been depressed. Still am, I guess. Why, do you ask? Well, to be honest I'm not 100% sure. Just little things adding up into one big thing. There are days that I'm perfectly fine and everything's going great, and then the next day I just feel like crying my eyes out all day long, and not talking to or seeing anyone. On those days, I don't even feel like crawling out of bed, but I do...only to veg on the couch, watching shows on Netflix all day. I'm really not quite sure why I've been feeling like this. Maybe my hormones are still messed up because I'm still on painkillers (a lower dose now). Maybe I'm just in a "I don't give a flying fuck" attitude. I even find it hard to be happy for my family or friends when something good happens to them, so I just paste a smile on my face & nod & say "that's good" when they tell me about things that are happening to them, when all I really want to do is shout "WHAT ABOUT ME!? DO YOU REALLY CARE WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME!? WHY CAN'T THINGS GO MY WAY FOR ONCE!?" But, I don't. Because I'm a "good friend." Although, I'm probably going to get called out once they read this. Whatever. I really don't care right now if I piss someone off. I'm tired of holding it all in day after day after day, with noone to talk to about how I'm truly feeling or a way to let out my frustrations. I'm tired of being the "shoulder to lean on." I NEED THAT SHOULDER FOR ONCE IN MY FUCKING LIFETIME! I want someone to sit down and listen to me, without interrupting me and trying to interject with the "well when that happened to me..." shit. JUST FUCKING LISTEN!!!!!!! I want to be the one people are inviting to join them at lunch/dinner or just to hang out, instead of me practically begging someone to come visit me. I really shouldn't have to ask, you know? If you're truly my friend and you truly want to see me, you will call me up and say "hey, I'm nearby, wanna hang?" I may not always say yes, but it would be nice to get a phone call or text like that every once in a while! I don't know...maybe I'm just being selfish. But you know what? I don't care...I WANT TO BE SELFISH FOR ONCE.

*Jolene*

Happy New Year!

Greetings everyone, and Happy New Year! :) I hope you all had a good welcome to 2013! I didn't do much for New Years Eve...just stayed at home with the husband and watched movies on Netflix. It was nice & peaceful. I think I was even in bed and asleep by 2am. LOL!

Looking back on 2012, I had many ups and downs. I am definitely hoping 2013 will be much better! Lord knows I don't need another back surgery! LOL! Speaking of which, when I went to my 6 week checkup in December, everything looked good according to the surgeon, and he even released me back to work, with some restrictions for 4 weeks. I can't lift more than 30 lbs and no excessive bending or twisting of my back. But everything else seemed to be okay! I went to my job and turned in my paperwork that same day, yet I had not gotten a call to go out on a client visit all that week or the next. I finally called them yesterday and it turns out that the lady that they gave the paperwork too was still out on vacation or whatever, and I was still on "inactive" status. Well yeah, that didn't sit well with me, but luckily the lady I talked to on the phone went ahead and activated me again in the computer system, and I have my first visit tomorrow morning. I actually have 2 visits back to back so that'll be interesting. I just hope I don't overdo it tomorrow. I guess I'll find out at 4pm. LOL! I have another visit set up for Thursday, but that one should be easy as the lady just wants me to go shopping with her. I'm glad that I'll be going back to work, as is my husband. We have been struggling, financially for a few months now, and it looks like we will continue to struggle for at least the next 3-4 months. Just depends on how many visits a week I go out on (I get paid every week). I've even been thinking about going out and getting another part time job somewhere just to help make a little extra money, but I don't know how many people are going to be hiring, as most companies will have just gotten rid of their holiday help (or hired those people on permanently). Oh well, never know until I try! :) I'm just going to keep a positive outlook on things, and hopefully that will help.

So anyway, 2013 has started out pretty good for me, although it did decide to give me a little bad with that good. Yup, I officially have come down with my Winter cold. Sore throat, cough, chills, aches & pains, and I even woke up with a freaking migraine this morning. Yeah, that was NOT fun! People I've been talking to said it sounds like I have the flu, but I told them that I KNOW when I have the flu, and I haven't had any nausea or anything like I usually get when I get the flu. Thankfully my migraine is gone and my aches & pains are at a minimum thanks to my painkillers, but my throat is another story. It freaking hurts! :( I've been using cough drops/throat lozenges on and off all day and have tried to keep the talking to a minimum, which seems to have helped a little, but I won't be happy until it goes away completely...and this dang cold weather doesn't help any! Especially when I have to take the puppy out to potty! Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you all. We got a puppy for Christmas! Well, early in December we got him. My husbands' "brother" (aka best friend) has 2 Boxers that got it on and they had a litter of 5 Boxer puppies. ALL boys. 1 brindle, and 4 fawn. And my husbands' brother gave us one of the puppies as a Christmas present. Free of charge. Yeah, FULL BLOWN $300 boxer puppy as a present. At first I wasn't too thrilled about it, as I was still in my early stages of recovery from my surgery, but the little thing has come to grow on me. His name is Panzer (my husband named him) and he's about 10 weeks old (2 1/2 months). He is a sweetheart, but is quite rambunctious, and that can be difficult at times, as we live in an upstairs apartment. I feel sorry for my neighbors! LOL! Everyone that sees him though, absolutely falls in love with him and are always saying they're going to steal him (I laugh and jokingly say "you'll have to deal with my husband on that one!"), so yes, he is quite a people person...or dog. Oh geez, I don't know! He just loves everybody! Haha! He also loves it when he's outside and other dogs/puppies are around as he gets to play with them, which is good because we want him to get along with other animals. I just can't wait until it's Springtime again and we can take him to a dog park and just let him run around to his hearts content! I know he'll love it! Plus, it'll tire him out! Hehe! Yeah, I have ulterior motives! ;-) Seriously though, he is a sweetheart and it's so great to see the smile he puts on my husbands' face when he's playing with Panzer.

Panzer, when he was about 8 weeks old

Well, I think that's about it for now. I hope you all are having a great start to 2013, and I'll post again soon! Until next time, take care & stay safe! :)

Later gators,

*Jolene*