Futile

The dictionary defines futile as:

1. incapable of producing any result; ineffective; useless; not successful:

2. trifling; frivolous; unimportant.

 

Or, if you are a fellow Trekie like me, you may recognize it from the line spoken by the Borg, "Resistance is futile." (I mean, seriously, who doesn't love Star Trek: The Next Generation!?)

Well, that's how I feel about my efforts over the past few weeks. Futile. Nothing I have done has seemed to amount to diddly squat. A lil over a month and a half ago, I lost my job as a CNA at a retirement community/health care facility, and ever since then, I have been looking for work. I've been putting in applications & resumes left & right, but sadly, no one is offering me a position. I even got turned down for 3 jobs in 1 week. Yeah, that sucked! I did manage to pick up a PRN CNA job, which means when this company has clients, they will send out a call for someone to take the shift, & there ya go. As of right now, I have a recurring Saturday & Sunday shift with a lady, but it's only 6 hours a day. Which means, I'm not making very much money (even with my unemployment benefits), which means my poor husband has to bear the brunt of everything, because he's the only one of us with a full time, good paying job. Along with working 40 hours a week, my husband has to worry about the bills & which ones are going to get paid & which ones are going to have to be put off for another week (or more) until we have enough money to pay them. I feel bad every time he opens up a new bill (or a final notice) and I see the look on his face or hear the sigh come out of his mouth. I don't know what to say or do anymore when that happens. Besides going door to door, begging someone to hire me, I really don't know what to do anymore. I try to lessen the burden at home, by keeping the apartment cleaned up & tidy, but even that slips away from me sometimes. Plus, with me being home 90% of the day, our electric bill jumped by like $100 in the last month (yeah, I thought it was only by $80, but I was wrong). I try to only run one thing at a time, but some days it's hard to do that. Especially when it's 100+ degrees outside and our poor a/c unit has to run practically 24 hours a day! But, I digress. As I said before, I just feel like all my efforts are futile and it just makes me want to give up & throw in the towel, but I know I can't do that. I just wish there was something else I could do to take some of the burden off of my husband. I hate that he has to work so hard at his job, and comes home exhausted & hurting, and there's nothing I can do. I can't even really get him to talk to me about his day, as I feel like if I push it past "How was your day?" or "What happened?" he'll blow up & I really don't want to fight with him, as that's just more stress added onto an already stressful situation. I just really don't know anymore. I'm trying my hardest, I really am, but it doesn't seem like anything is coming of it...

*Jolene*