So, I caught the end of Biggest Loser tonight. I use to watch the show all the time, but lately, mostly because of work, I haven't been able to sit down & watch the episodes. I totally forgot how gut wrenching & rewarding it can be! The girl that got voted off tonight has already lost another 50 some pounds since she left the ranch, and I can't believe how good she looked! If she keeps this up, she is going to be a knockout by the time the live show airs! It also got me to thinking about my weight & my struggle to lose it. For a background on myself (for those that don't know me), I have struggled with my weight basically all my life. Well, I should say since about junior high, it's been a struggle. I went to a small school where about 95% of the people there were "skinny minnies" and where if you weren't part of that crowd, you were NOT popular, & you were teased about how you looked (unless of course you were extremely smart, then you were popular no matter how you looked). I did play sports in junior high though (basketball & volleyball), but it didn't seem to matter. I was still always heavier than the other girls on the team, except for my best friend, who weighed around the same as I (she now weighs way less than me & that's after having 2 kids). After junior high, I decided to not join high school sports, as I'd seen some of the practices they had, and how hard they worked out during those practices and I was like "No thank you!" I believe that started my major downfall & weight gain. When I entered the 9th grade, I was 125 lbs, which was pretty normal for my height (5' 7") and a size 9. Now, you may be saying "oh that's not too bad!" but you have to realize that about 95% of the other girls in my class were probably a size 2, 4, or 6. By the time I graduated high school, I was 150 lbs and a size 16. Now, how could I be a size 16 with only gaining 25 lbs? I have no idea. I think it's because I have very wide hips (people call them "baby bearing hips") and how I was carrying my weight, which was mostly around my tummy at that time. Granted, I did yo-yo on my weight throughout those 4 years. At one point, even my parents put me on a diet & tried to help me to work out. My ex-stepfather would get me up in the morning, and after a breakfast of a half of a grapefruit, we would go out for an hour run. I don't remember how many miles we ran during that hour, but I'll admit it, I did feel good afterward. However, that only lasted for about 2 months. My mom even made me write my daily weight on a calendar in the kitchen (where everyone could see it) and as I started "forgetting" to write it down after those 2 months, they just basically said "Fine, forget it. You're on your own." I think a combination of all of that and where I went to school played a major part in my weight gain in high school. (Granted, nowadays, I wish I was that small again) Then, I went away to college. Now, you hear about people gaining the "freshman 15" during their first year of college. Well, I believe that during my freshman (and only) year of college, I gained around another 20-25 lbs. And slowly, over the last 13 years, the weight has been creeping on & up. I am now what they consider obese, especially for my height range, even thought I don't quite look as heavy as I actually am. I'm not going to say exactly how much I weigh, but I will say I can definitely see a difference in old pictures of myself and pictures of me today. I have gained the weight ALL over, including my face (I really hate my double chin), but mostly in my stomach and abdomen area, which I have been told is the hardest place to lose weight in. Now, over the years, I have tried to lose the weight. As a matter of fact, back in 2007, I was actually able to lose 24 lbs in a year. I was so proud of myself! But alas, I have gained that all back, plus some. I am now at my heaviest that I have ever been & I fear that I may continue to gain weight, if I don't start doing something about it. It should be easy, right? I should be able to get up in the morning, go to the gym, and work my butt off. HA! I wish it was that easy! I am in a vicious cycle. I get depressed, I eat, which makes me hate the way I look & makes me even more depressed, which makes me eat even more, and so on and so on. I also suffer from insomnia, which has me staying up very late at night (like 4-5am) probably 3-4 times a week. So yes, it is difficult to gather the motivation I need to get to the gym and work out. Now, you're probably sitting there saying "oh that's just excuses" but until you live a day in my shoes, don't judge. However, I think after watching the end of tonight's "Biggest Loser" and thinking about how I used to look in high school, I just may have the motivation I need to lose this weight. Now, I know I will probably never be 125 lbs and a size 9 again, or even 150 lbs again, but shoot, even if I got down to 170, I'd be happy! Now, I know it's going to take a LOT of HARD work & lots of motivation to keep me going, but I know in the end, it's going to be the best thing for me to lose the weight. I will feel better, I will look better, shoot, I'll be happier! Especially when I have to go clothes shopping because my old clothes are getting too big for me! Haha! But, that's a ways down the road. Instead of one big goal, I'm going to give myself many small goals to reach & as I reach/pass each one, I hope that it gives me even more motivation to keep on going onto the next one. So, here's to a new year and a new me...hopefully by the end of the year, I'll have reached that 170 lbs, but if I haven't, that's okay. I'll reach it one day. :) So, until next time readers, I hope this entry finds you well, and I'll talk to you soon! Take care & stay safe!