Biggest Loser/Motivation

So, I caught the end of Biggest Loser tonight. I use to watch the show all the time, but lately, mostly because of work, I haven't been able to sit down & watch the episodes. I totally forgot how gut wrenching & rewarding it can be! The girl that got voted off tonight has already lost another 50 some pounds since she left the ranch, and I can't believe how good she looked! If she keeps this up, she is going to be a knockout by the time the live show airs! It also got me to thinking about my weight & my struggle to lose it. For a background on myself (for those that don't know me), I have struggled with my weight basically all my life. Well, I should say since about junior high, it's been a struggle. I went to a small school where about 95% of the people there were "skinny minnies" and where if you weren't part of that crowd, you were NOT popular, & you were teased about how you looked (unless of course you were extremely smart, then you were popular no matter how you looked). I did play sports in junior high though (basketball & volleyball), but it didn't seem to matter. I was still always heavier than the other girls on the team, except for my best friend, who weighed around the same as I (she now weighs way less than me & that's after having 2 kids). After junior high, I decided to not join high school sports, as I'd seen some of the practices they had, and how hard they worked out during those practices and I was like "No thank you!" I believe that started my major downfall & weight gain. When I entered the 9th grade, I was 125 lbs, which was pretty normal for my height (5' 7") and a size 9. Now, you may be saying "oh that's not too bad!" but you have to realize that about 95% of the other girls in my class were probably a size 2, 4, or 6. By the time I graduated high school, I was 150 lbs and a size 16. Now, how could I be a size 16 with only gaining 25 lbs? I have no idea. I think it's because I have very wide hips (people call them "baby bearing hips") and how I was carrying my weight, which was mostly around my tummy at that time. Granted, I did yo-yo on my weight throughout those 4 years. At one point, even my parents put me on a diet & tried to help me to work out. My ex-stepfather would get me up in the morning, and after a breakfast of a half of a grapefruit, we would go out for an hour run. I don't remember how many miles we ran during that hour, but I'll admit it, I did feel good afterward. However, that only lasted for about 2 months. My mom even made me write my daily weight on a calendar in the kitchen (where everyone could see it) and as I started "forgetting" to write it down after those 2 months, they just basically said "Fine, forget it. You're on your own." I think a combination of all of that and where I went to school played a major part in my weight gain in high school. (Granted, nowadays, I wish I was that small again) Then, I went away to college. Now, you hear about people gaining the "freshman 15" during their first year of college. Well, I believe that during my freshman (and only) year of college, I gained around another 20-25 lbs. And slowly, over the last 13 years, the weight has been creeping on & up. I am now what they consider obese, especially for my height range, even thought I don't quite look as heavy as I actually am. I'm not going to say exactly how much I weigh, but I will say I can definitely see a difference in old pictures of myself and pictures of me today. I have gained the weight ALL over, including my face (I really hate my double chin), but mostly in my stomach and abdomen area, which I have been told is the hardest place to lose weight in. Now, over the years, I have tried to lose the weight. As a matter of fact, back in 2007, I was actually able to lose 24 lbs in a year. I was so proud of myself! But alas, I have gained that all back, plus some. I am now at my heaviest that I have ever been & I fear that I may continue to gain weight, if I don't start doing something about it. It should be easy, right? I should be able to get up in the morning, go to the gym, and work my butt off. HA! I wish it was that easy! I am in a vicious cycle. I get depressed, I eat, which makes me hate the way I look & makes me even more depressed, which makes me eat even more, and so on and so on. I also suffer from insomnia, which has me staying up very late at night (like 4-5am) probably 3-4 times a week. So yes, it is difficult to gather the motivation I need to get to the gym and work out. Now, you're probably sitting there saying "oh that's just excuses" but until you live a day in my shoes, don't judge. However, I think after watching the end of tonight's "Biggest Loser" and thinking about how I used to look in high school, I just may have the motivation I need to lose this weight. Now, I know I will probably never be 125 lbs and a size 9 again, or even 150 lbs again, but shoot, even if I got down to 170, I'd be happy! Now, I know it's going to take a LOT of HARD work & lots of motivation to keep me going, but I know in the end, it's going to be the best thing for me to lose the weight. I will feel better, I will look better, shoot, I'll be happier! Especially when I have to go clothes shopping because my old clothes are getting too big for me! Haha! But, that's a ways down the road. Instead of one big goal, I'm going to give myself many small goals to reach & as I reach/pass each one, I hope that it gives me even more motivation to keep on going onto the next one. So, here's to a new year and a new me...hopefully by the end of the year, I'll have reached that 170 lbs, but if I haven't, that's okay. I'll reach it one day. :) So, until next time readers, I hope this entry finds you well, and I'll talk to you soon! Take care & stay safe!

Later gators,

*Jolene*

Greetings 2012! :)

Hello everyone!

I realize that it is almost 2 weeks into 2012, but I haven't really had the time to write until now. The last month and a half has been quite crazy, what with Christmas and New Years Eve, and me resigning from my job as a CNA at Life Care Center of Andover to move to a CNA position at Larksfield Place Health Care Center. I am loving my new job! It is so much more laid back than LCCA & even my husband has already noticed a change in my demeanor, and I've only been working there for about a week now! I just hope it continues to go this way! Hehe! I still hope to get my Med Aide certification this spring, but we'll see how things are going when it gets closer to the class date. I may just look into taking a nursing class instead. I don't know. My mind is quite fickle right now. LOL!

Christmas was good, despite the fact that I had to work. I got some nice presents from my husband (Green Bay Packers dangle earrings, CSI: NY season 2, Beverly Hills 90210 season 1) and a lovely journal from one of my besties, Jessica. It definitely came as a surprise, as I wasn't expecting anything from her, but I love it! :) Unfortunately, against all my wishes, we didn't have any snow on Christmas day. I really miss having a white Christmas. Having been born in & lived in Alaska for 8 years, I remember all the snow we had up there & I definitely miss it! Oh well, I guess I'll survive! LOL! :) New Years Eve was alright. I actually  had to work, but it was my last day at LCCA, so it was worth it. I didn't even go out after I got home from work. My husband and I just relaxed at home & rang in the new year together, watching the ball drop in Times Square on the TV. I think I was even in bed & asleep by 2am that night! LOL! In other words, it was a good end to 2011, and so far, 2012 has started off great. Hopefully, many more good things are to come!

Well, my brain is starting to turn to mush (LOL), so I'm going to end this here, but I hope this entry finds you all well and I will post again soon! Take care & stay safe!

Later gators,

*Jolene*