Saturday, September 3, 2011

A Lot On My Mind

The title of this blog says it all. I have a lot on my mind & I just don't know where to start. Everything is starting to get jumbled up in my brain & I'm starting to get depressed again. And not just a little depressed, a LOT depressed. To the point where I don't even want to get out of bed. But, I have to because I have to go to work, so we can afford the move in 12 days...and even that is starting to look like a challenge. My last paycheck was about $200 less than we were expecting, so now we will probably have to drop off part of the furniture package we have on hold for the move, and will probably eat Ramen noodles for 2 months. I'm just so frustrated & upset. I want to punch something. I want to break something. I want someone to hurt as much as I am right now (physically & mentally) that I am picking fights with my husband just so I can scream at him, in hopes that it makes me feel better. Yeah, I'm a great wife aren't I? (said sarcastically) I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm rolling downhill w/o anything to stop me from hitting that rocky bottom at the end. That's the part that just makes me want to curl up under the covers and never show my face again. I hate this. I really do.

I also hate the fact that I'm feeling jealous of some of my friends. College has started back up for the year, and some of my best friends are back hitting the books again, moving further along their paths to their futures, which are definitely looking bright for them. I am happy for them (really, I am), but I wish I could be doing that too. Yeah, I managed to get a start on my "career" but it looks like I may be stuck where I work for quite a while, as I can't afford to take the next step (LPN class) to further it along. Even if I was able to get a grant or loan or something like that, it wouldn't be enough for me to be able to take this class. Plus, I can't afford to take the time off of work to take this class, so yeah, I'm in a lose-lose situation right now. God, I'm going to be 32 years old this year, and I'm just starting my journey toward becoming a nurse!? What the hell was I thinking!? I can't do this. I'm going to be like these ladies I work with, and be a freaking CNA for 20 years. I definitely don't think I can do that. Hell, my body is already telling me that this is something it can't/doesn't want to handle...and if I can't handle this, how can I handle being a nurse? I really messed up with this career choice, didn't I? I feel like such a failure. Here I am, going to be 32 years old in just a couple months, and I have nothing but a CNA license to show for it? Hell, I don't even have kids yet & probably won't be able to for another couple of years, because, yeah, you guessed it, we can't afford it right now. I know, I know. No one can really "afford" to have kids & if you tell yourself you'll have them when you can afford to, you'll never have kids. Well you know what, if it was meant to happen, it would've happened already. I might as well give up that dream too. Hell, I might as well just give up on all my dreams and face reality. Which is, I'm not going anywhere for quite a while, so I might as well get used to it. I guess the only thing I have to look forward to is this move to a new place, and even that is beginning to weigh heavily on my thoughts..........

1 comment:

  1. Awww, hunny! You need to quit being so hard on yourself. I know that not only will things work out and be okay, but that you CAN accomplish your dreams. Sweets, there are night and weekend classes you could take. And yes, you can get grants and loans that WILL cover everything, plus maybe even some extra for whatever you may need. It is possible, very possible. It might be hard, but I know you can do it. I know you can.

    I believe in you and will be there for you every step of the way. I promise. Cross my heart.

    Love you girl.